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2019: A Beautiful Shit Storm, only Opposite.

08:58 Shrey Katsura 0 Comments


2019 was like a beautiful shit storm for me, only opposite.
It was chaotic in the first half where I felt like I was caught up in a never-ending whirlwind,
and the latter half was like a warm layer of coco in the eclairs,
slowly and cosily embracing me in its wrath.

At the beginning of this year, I was a volatile young adult,
completely wrapped in the isolation of my existence, away from the real world.
I kind of had made peace with that version of me, to be honest.
The more creative, unstable, loner version of me who felt like everything and
everyone is out to get me,  yet ironically I didn’t care for myself enough to not care about these things.

 I realized later that there’s actually an incredibly thin line between “It was their fault”, and
“ I should work on being a better me”, which most people fail to notice for the majority of their lifetime.

When 2019 started, I devoted much of my time, escaping from this reality.
I spent time writing about video games for a company that made me part of its family.
I got paid for the same and spent that money on buying more games and on food and drinks.
I led my life completely away from everyone. 

I lost contact with my closest friend I had made in college life so far.
Sure I was hurting and I didn’t really know how and where to put that emotion out,
so I worked my ass off all day, every day.

I played video games in the morning and wrote about them at night.
The only time I gave myself was the casual walk I took every night for a tea.
In that brief amount of time, I would have my headphones on and casually scroll my contact list.
Perhaps I felt like talking or contacting the people I knew.

But I realized I had no one I actually felt like sharing things too.
That was me back then. I sort of got used to this solitude that was around me.
I felt like I was healing while being away from the chaos and the ugliness of the world around me
but I guess life doesn’t really work that way.
The moment the universe realizes you’re trying to fool it, it fools you,
by throwing you back into the same, never-ending loop that you dread and love the most.

That is what happened to me. When I felt like I was finally trying to live by my own rules and
becoming “stable” in my own way destiny intervened, again.

Being in my little cocoon for so long made me agoraphobic,
which means that I feared to go to places that threatened my solitude and my comfort zone.
I would often be faced with anxiety attacks, every time I had to go to public places or my relatives,
but I chose to ignore that for a foreseeable amount of time.

Like I said destiny intervened at one point and I took the first biggest and probably the
wisest decision of my life in the last years or so.
I agreed to shift in a flat with a classmate and a friend of mine.
I nearly ended up cancelling all the plans just days after finding the suitable apartment and
even paying advance rent to the new landlord,
which some of you may know if you have read my previous blog post
-” From Shifting places to Shifting perspective.”

Cutting it short, I did end up shifting and my so-called friend ended up being
the most ideal flatmate one could ask for. And I really really mean that.
For weeks he would endure my tantrums, my panic attacks, my mood swings and
instead of being angry or frustrated with me, he rewards me by taking care of the household chores
and even made the best tea one could ask for.

He also, of course, ended up being the portal to my twin flame,
who happened to live not very far from me.
All this time, she was near, yet I didn’t know about her existence and
would have probably never found out about her if I didn’t shift to this new apartment with him.
For this, I’ll forever and ever be grateful to him.

This twin flame of mine went on to become my everything at one point.
Broken, battered and a loner I was. I highly doubted that I could ever fall in love again,
cry again, or even feel like approaching a friend for a conversation,
forget making eye contact with a stranger. But like I said, destiny intervened.

We talked, we fell in love, connected via our shared pain. We confessed.
At that moment I realized that time isn’t necessary, what’s necessary is compassion.
I was compassionate about her, I still am. I hope that she’s too.
Sadly, I have no way to find out more since we are no longer in contact.
But love isn’t about physically connecting two people forever, it’s about this strong,
unconditional, spiritual connection that lasts forever.
And now I know I’m forever bound to her, spiritually.

The third quarter of 2019 was probably my weakest and is also a phase which ironically
I’m really proud of. In that time period,
I spent all my time finishing up my second short story series-
” The Many Realities of that Rainy Summer”, which I believe to be my finest creation to date.

Sadly, pouring all these emotions inside me in this story took a lot more out of me than I bargained for.
I realized that my oldest friend and foe- depression took over my soul and body,
more strongly than ever.

This time I decided to take professional help. I underwent therapy sessions for over two months
and was undertaking anti-depressants over a month.
Not really my finest moment I agree, but this was incredibly important for my growth and
I believe that it helped me have a clear head like never before.

These anti-depressant pills switched off all the emotions-whether negative or positive inside my
brain and I experienced the most tranquil phase of my life.
I was finally, FINALLY able to sleep peacefully like a baby, wake up completely fresh and indulge in
things I loved the most without second thoughts or guilt overcoming my emotions.

Of course, this also meant sacrificing a few things,
which I did in the form of me missing classes at college.
But then I had decided that my health and well being came first and so
I devoted all my time in healing, letting my body take over my mind.

At around the same time, a miracle happened for certain members of our country,
otakus to be precise. Apparently, otaku/anime fans from all across the country had started a
petition to release the highly anticipated next movie from my personal favourite film director in the world
in Indian theaters.

I was one of the people who signed it early as watching an anime movie in the movie theater,
that too from my favourite director in the world, and when I say favourite I literally mean
F-A-V-O-U-R-I-T-E. I can’t describe how much his movies mean to me, and how many times
I have watched them again and again to escape this scary reality around me, felt the world to me.

God be grateful the movie finally released and I was lucky,
more like fortunate enough to attend its premiere which the director himself attended as well.
I can never pour down the emotions that I felt while watching that movie,
seeing and meeting so many people with similar interests like me,
standing in that never-ending queue to get that free ticket for the show.


Of course, when the movie finally released later ( I attended the premiere beforehand in the film festival)
I went to watch it again with a sweet little friend of mine whom I had lost contact within the last few years.
Thanks to the movie, we reconnected and I figured she’s more of the same like me and is one of the very
few that doesn’t judge the way I perceive this world.
If you’re reading this, sunshine I want you to know that I love you very much and
I’m really really grateful to have you back in my life.

You may think that my version of 2019 was heading towards a happy ending and
I absolutely agree with you but that isn’t the end folks.
The best is yet to come, for which I don’t think I can be grateful enough in my life.

Life is precarious. It may seem like a drowning spiral at times, but can also help you fly to that
cloud nine-way above in the sky.
But what it does best is maybe just let you stand straight on the ground where your legs are
firmly in control and your mind is guiding you. That is what 2019 did to me in the last two months.


As you may have guessed, living in a flat, which was out of my comfort zone made me overcome
if not completely then partially, agoraphobia. Like a normal young adult,
I and my flatmate hosted house parties( which got the folks at my college talking), got drunk,
even wasted once on my birthday which is a completely different story,
but most importantly we met two people that completely changed things for the better.

This sweet little couple were my acquaintances since the time I joined the college but
I never really got to know them well. And thanks to my closed-off nature,
I never really gave them a chance until now.

Believe me, when I say, these two are the kindest and genuine people I have met in my entire life.
Spending time with them I realized that I’m beautiful the way I’m.
They never judged me, nor questioned the way I’m. It took a loner, closed off psychopath like me
merely weeks to open up to them.

Nobody has ever cared or listened to my day to day problems as they have.
Most importantly, they taught me the single most important lesson that you need to learn before
life becomes a joyful experience. That is, to accept yourself whatsoever way you’re and that
one’s happiness depends solely and solely on themselves.

As I write this, I’m listening to the song called “If You Could See Me Now” which one of them
recommended as we parted ways yesterday.
College is over and I have no idea when I’ll see them again.
But guys if you’re reading this, I want you to know that I love you guys more than you can imagine.
And I’ll forever be grateful to you for all the things you taught me and the time we spent together.

For a guy who would get anxiety attacks by being in the same room with another person to
sharing a blanket with you guys, this means a lot.


2019 is about to end in just a few minutes.
As I head into a fresh decade, a year that is going to be really really personal for me,
I have a few things that are absolutely clear to me.

First, that my debut novel is 1/4th done and I absolutely can’t wait to publish it in 2020.
Second, I just bragged a new job( courtesy of my flatmate) that is paying me a quite well to write
and talk about something I love the most- video games.
Third I realized like I mentioned earlier, that my happiness depends on me and only me.


So 2020?  What are you waiting for? Kakatte koi.
( It means “bring it on” in Japanese. Sorry,I was just trying to sound cool.)








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