I entered the realm of darkness for my dying heart

I’m lying inside my blanket shirtless. It’s freezing. The heater is off though I’m not cold. Not cold at all. I block the sprinkles of yellow light entering the blanket with each of my two - five fingers. It’s dark, but I’m not cold. I hear my heart throbbing in my chest. The throbbing feels different, however. It feels like it’s trying to escape, trying to run away from all the pain that I often bestow upon it. I quickly move from my fingers from the fabric of the blanket to my chest. It feels cold, which means it’s hot. I have this urge to press my fingers against my chest, and I do exactly that. It’s my heart, after all. I can do whatever I want. And so I do, and I feel this pain gripping me. This cold piercing pain. It’s no metaphorical pain but a physical one. The pain is vivid and real. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. In the realm of darkness, I search for answers.

The realm of darkness, the void world, I soon realize, is an infinite shape-shifting universe. There’s nothing here but questions. So many questions. One can’t breathe in this infinite world. I certainly couldn’t. These questions take up all the space and consume every ounce of oxygen that could ever exist. As soon as I enter, a whirlwind of these questions surrounds me. “Why did my best friend turn out to be an asshole?” “Why is that woman I crushed on only into ripped 6 ft men when she is skinny and only 4’10?” “Why does the woman I put so much of my love and faith into never consider me a boyfriend material?” “Why do people never meet my bare minimum expectations?” “Why is it that I feel safer around my online acquaintances rather than the people I have confided in for years?” Why is it that I’m not lovable?” So many questions and more ferociously attacks me in the realm of darkness. The realm, however, doesn’t give me any answers, no matter where I looked, no matter what I did, how much I thought. 

It occurs to me that the realm of darkness is not much different from the real world. This terrifying thought puts a smile on my face and breathes in new deathly life into my damaged and deranged heart and I understand why so many people cave into the darkness.

At some point, while traversing the realm of darkness, I fall asleep in the real world. In my dream, I woke up in the void to continue pursuing answers within questions. Soon, a faint echo of a voice pierces through the realm of dreams and reality to reach my lost ears. My voice. It whispers,” An endless cycle of chaos has begun.”